Holly Fucking Shit....

Kelvin "The Atomic Bomb" Carrion. I can barely type this,,,, this mofo got us so damn drunk last night or this morning however you want to see it.... that I don't remember half the night....

Damn I need a cold shower now....

WTF is Love?

Last night I danced.... I danced like I have never danced before. I was actually enjoying what I was doing. We danced 2 or 3 Merengues, and when we where finished I wanted to dance more.

After I was done, I came home and my Roommate (God Bless Her) noticed the happiness in my face. She realize that for once I was truly happy. That for once in my lifetime I was actually glad of how the night turn out. She decided to teach me. She decided that since I loved dancing with this particular person so much, and since this person loves to dance so much, that I needed to learn more. So after I passed the fuck out in the living room, (Damn drunk people) She woke my ass up and decided to teach me some Salsa moves. We spend about 3 to 4 hours dancing. She taught me that I had to enjoy the music. I had to actually like what I was doing otherwise I was not going to look good wile dancing.

Funny thing about all of this is that I don't like dancing. I hate dancing as a matter of fact. I think is just a bullshit excuse for a guy to dry hump a girl. But I like this one girl so much that I am willing to change my ways just for her. I am willing to learn how to dance, I am willing to learn how to enjoy dancing.

Last night we had the most amazing connection. We danced a few songs (before I got my Salsa lessons of course) And afterwards we almost kissed. Our lips where closed to each other as never before. I have not felt this way for a woman in years. I have not felt this way for a very long long.... LONG time. She seems to be amazing. She seems to be everything I have ever wanted in a woman. She knows me for who I am. She knows how I can get real grumpy at times. She understand my jokes. How when I am really pissed off I don't really talk.

We have had our ups and downs already. Even tho we have not even kissed.... well at least not properly. But I believe deep in my heart, that this could go deep...... so deep, that I might be in trouble. I have this terrible feeling in my heart that she is going to destroy me. Destroy me like I was destroyed before.

Only time will tell. God only knows if she is the one to make me happy. As always things are not as easy as I would like them to be. I really hoped that she actually belives me when I say that I want her. Not in any sexual way.... but that I want to be part of her live. Part of her family and her future. Part of what a loved one should be. Part of her in more than one way.

I think I am falling in LOVE. And I think this time is for real. This time is going to be deeper, more complicated than before.

I really hope that she can read this. Since when I type my toughs out is when I really express what I feel. This is the only way I can comunicate to her how much LOVE I feel for her. And I hate myself for never been able to find the right words to say to her....

On a Thursday February 15, 12:24pm, Wile sitting at my desk, staring at my computer monitor, with little over a month before I turn 30, I have just realize what my problem is. In almost 30 years of life, I have never had to work towards getting a girl in my life. Woman has always find me, I have been dating since I was in primary school, and 20 plus years later I can't recollect a single time where I had actually needed to seduce a woman. Not even my ex-wife. I never spent more than a few months alone before another one showed up. I don't consider myself a narcissist, nor do I think I was a bad husband/boyfriend to any of them. It was just the fact that it all came to me naturally.

Now for the past 3 years I have been in search for my soul mate, that one person that I have sworn to love and cherish, and to please in every which way possible to make up for all those years lost. My problem is easy to spot, though it has taken me over 3 years to figure it out. I don't know how. What is it that I’m supposed to say? How should I act? Should I just be myself? Should I try to mimic all those "Galan’s" from those soap operas woman love to watch? Should I tell them the truth about everything? About how I loved my wife and screwed up our relationship with every decision I made out of selfishness? Should I lie and tell them that I was just tired and married life wasn't for me?

Everyone keeps talking about marriage now days and my reaction is always the same, "they got me once, they will not get me again I will never marry again!" is what burst out of my lips. But my heart wishes to have someone to love, someone to argue with, and someone to cry and laugh with. The things I never did the first time around. I want to come home from work and sit on a balcony and just talk. Lay on her lap wile she watches soap operas. Wake up in the middle of the night and just stare at her. Am I wrong for wanting to turn back time and start over again? Am I selfish for wanting someone in my life with out caring who? Why is it that the ones I want are the ones I can't have?

Yesterday... for the first time in my life, I had no one to give a Valentines to. Since I can recall I have always had someone to spend Valentines with. Maybe I didn't take advantage of all those years, which I didn't do anything special, maybe this is my punishment for that, or maybe this is what Doctors call depression and I am just over doing, over thinking, over analyzing everything and I should just forget about it and continue my life with out worries. Drinking, Partying, Lying....

Happy Valentines To Me.

I seriously don't fucking understand woman. 1 stupid joke and everything gets blown out of fucking proportions. I am so fucking tired of this game is not even funny anymore.

Everyone lies and tell you that they want you to be yourself but I tell you..... is nothing but LIES. Everyone wants everyone else to be their perfect little friend and no one wants to fucking understand that different people see things a different way. There is no tolerance in this world for different points of view and thats exactly why this world is so fucked up to live in. I don't care who you are or where you are from, if you want to succeed in life you have to 1) Kiss as much ass as you can on your way up, and 2) Back stab as many motherfuckers as you can on the way there. This is whats going to make the people around you happy. No not honesty, when someone asks how does this look on me, or what is your opinion on a subject, they don't want your honest opinion, No, what they want is to have backup, they want you to think just like them to be happy. They don't really give a damn what you think, but they want to feel like they are right no matter what.

Well at least I know that 1 person out there reading this will sure feel good that my life is not as perfect as she thinks it is.

I hate Tequila!